Dear Sisters in the Lord,
Some of you already know about this burden I have, and I have already told some of you that I would be sending this ‘Forum’ to you for your views. Your views on the topic would be very precious to me. However, I will understand if you feel you cannot spare the time to respond.
As I have never done this before, I really cannot tell you what form it will take. But whatever form it takes, I will be presenting you with several real life cases of ‘needs’ within the Body of Christ with some background that may not be complete but which I feel is sufficient for you to diagnose and make some biblical ‘prescriptions’ to address. These prescriptions, by the way are for my exclusive use, but you may find that they are also useful to you in dealing with some issues in you church family and society as a whole. In fact, I pray and hope so. I shall of course not be revealing the identities of the people concerned for obvious reasons.
The reason or inspiration (should you consider it such) behind this springs from my unexpected reaction over the years, to several situations that one would have expected to arouse compassion, sympathy, or at least, pity, in me, but which, to my surprise rather arouse my unrepentant ire anytime I recall. I present the cases below:
- THE CASE OF THE ‘WARRIOR MOTHER’
‘Sister’ E is a 30 something year old sprightly, eager-to-please young lady that I took to almost instantly. However, she is dire straits, stressed out and desperate as she struggles to provide the needs of 3 adults including a bed-ridden 50+ mother in one of the most expensive cities in the world. I saw in her a perfect case of the ‘weary and heavy-laden.
As E and her family are supposed to be members of the denomination I attend, where how to be born again is preached at almost every programme (to the extent that I suspect that there are many who do not have this experience, but can give you a convincing account of their ‘new birth’ even when they are not born again) I decided to start from scratch before getting involved.
When I asked sister E to share her new birth experience with me, my first surprise was that she didn’t have a ‘pat and dried’ testimony (which I usually ‘check out’ thoroughly) to share. Rather, she started a long story about how she attended a deliverance programme in a church and how she had a ‘death-like’ experience at some point (she couldn’t breath and started gasping or something like that). And how she was delivered after prayers against some family member that wanted to kill her. (Suffice it to note at this juncture that she had never had this experience until she got to the ‘deliverance venue’, if you know what I mean). Since this corroborated what her mother had been warning her and her siblings like forever, she finally realized that her mum had been telling the truth all along. However, the strongest proof of all, according to her, was that, unusually, one of her uncles called her on her way back from the venue that same day, asking her in a panic, where she was. She then went on to tell me how this ‘wicked family’ killed her father and later, her brother who had continued to fraternize with the ‘evil’ family. She also talked about how her mum had always told them that she was the one ‘battling’ for them or they would all be dead.
As you can imagine, I had already made up my mind she finished, but I waited patiently for her to finish anyway. Then I said to her something like this: But you have not told me how you were born again. Being delivered is not the same thing as being born again. If God delivers you from harm, it is so you can acknowledge Him as the Deliverer and become born again. One does not replace the other because deliverance is temporal and only useful on earth, while being born again is eternal, and the Only Way to make heaven.
This stalled her a bit, then she explained to me that as a result of that experience, she realized that there was something not quite right about her life, and she decided to really commit her life to Christ for the first time since she had been attending the church. So she answered an altar call after a service at our denomination the previous year, and was baptized, although she was unable to tell me more about what message she heard that really compelled her to do so. I of course accepted (after all, only God knows those that are His) and then went on to explain to her that when you are truly born again, there is a special protection from the Lord Jesus around you and nothing can reach you and I shared some passages of the Bible with her to prove my point. I emphasized the fact that her mother cannot fight for her or anybody and win but that only Jesus has fought and won and she should focus on Jesus from now on. I told her that I had serious doubts about her mum’s salvation even if they had been attending that denomination for no less than 14 years at the time (!) and that she should let go of all the negative thoughts in her mind and focus on the Lord her Saviour. And that she was to start countering any further negative suggestions in her mind or from her mum, with Jesus’s promises.
She told me many other things like: (i) her mum took her to consult a ‘prophet’ before she left Aba and the prophet told her she would do well although the beginning would be difficult (duh!); (ii) She had been sending money home to the mum and helping other siblings through her earnings: (iii) After her mum had the stroke, she told her on phone ‘she was the only one she could trust to take care of her ‘properly’ (no talk of any other family member), so she brought her to Abuja to stay with her (duh! –They have a house in Aba and it was left empty when the mother moved in with her).
Now, if I were a mother, that would be the last kind of burden I would want to put on my struggling child! I know of mothers whose children are comfortable but still refuse that s/he spends money on expensive treatments for them! Others would rather die than constitute such a burden for their children. Please tell me as mothers, am I getting something wrong here? Well, this one has 6 children, she chose the oldest (the 2 other girls are married and keeping a long distance) to tag on to. According to E, the mother’s illness has turned her into a child for example: (i) she cannot talk coherently and only E and her youngest brother (who stays with her and is doing nothing can understand her language); (ii) E wakes up in the middle of almost every night to get her nappy changed or sooth her back to sleep; (iii) When they manage to back her to go to church, which is not far from where they stay, she cries for E like a baby if she moves to the Youth Sunday school class or sits away from her, although thank God she does survive when left at home to enable E go to work/ sewing classes every day. In other words, she has a permanent ‘large’ infant. Those of you in the medical profession, please tell me, is this all part of the symptoms of a stroke patient?
E explains to me that the decision to bring her to Abuja was a good one because no church member would give them the time of day in Aba but that here in Abuja at least they were receiving some help. Did I tell you, E has hawked ‘bend-down’ undies, fired akara, among other activities to survive but still cannot make ends meet. And yet I have a niggling suspicion that she sees herself as a local champion, inviting all her siblings to Abuja perhaps to witness her ‘great achievements as an independent woman’ until I told her some home truths. (I also sometimes suspect that E’s strategy was to draw pity and assistance through her mother’s presence, but after 2 years or over of same, assistance fatigue has set in for the local church and she herself has become somewhat embarrassed. It was at this point I met her in the state that I mentioned earlier.
Anyway, the more I heard, the more furious I got with her mother. While I tried not to show it, I did to suggest to her that I would not be surprised to find out that the cause of her mother’s stroke was linked to her spiritual state. To my surprise E came back once to tell me that after our talk she asked her mum what she thought was the cause of her illness, and that she said she saw herself in the spirit tied by the same ‘evil uncles’. I tried my best not to show my disgust, and tried to discourage her from this train of thought by telling her firmly that I very much doubted her mum’s salvation, and that she was now the one to start evangelizing her mother. I pointed out to her that if her mother’s claim was true, then she had either exposed herself by doing something that enabled them to have that hold over her, or that she did not really believe in Jesu’s power to protect her.
My personal challenge: Now this mother is someone I should feel compassion for, right? But I CANNOT. Rather Sisters, I feel so much anger that a mother who has been going to church for years, and is supposedly a ‘prayer warrior’ on behalf of her children, only has a legacy of fear to offer them. And would you believe the thought has even crossed my mind that she is doing this deliberately to keep that daughter under her power. I I believe she has a strong manipulative spirit and have a strong feeling that she could get up and go if she wanted although God forgive me, I have no proof whatsoever to back those feelings. I have deliberately stayed far away from her because of the great anger I feel towards her. Is there something wrong with me? Or do you have any other spiritual insight into this whole thing?
- THE CASE OF THE MULTIPLYING WIFE
This one, I have few details about so I won’t go on for as long as the previous one. Do I hear a sigh of relief? Ok. Here goes:
From what I hear, this couple, elders in the church for years, married late because they want nothing but God’s will in marriage. What late is I cannot tell you, but their oldest daughter is in her teens (15 or 16) now and the mother may be 50+ now. The husband is much older than her but certainly not more than 10 years older as the denomination would not have permitted that. The mother has teacher’s diploma (which for those who do not know our system is about 2 years post-secondary I think. Anyway less than a bachelor’s degree). The husband’s qualification, I do not know. How I got to hear about the case, I will get to later, suffice it to say for now that within those 15 or 16 years of ‘late’ marriage, this couple has brought to the world, 6 children!!!, the youngest of which is less than 2 years old!!! Or is my alarm at this number of children unreasonable?
Ok, perhaps I should now get to how I heard about the case. I was visiting with a friend and sister in the Lord when the doorbell rang. Since I knew she was resting, I decided to cut short the ring by opening the gate of the house to find out who it was and inform them she was resting. And there I saw 3 children, 2 gilds and a boy aged between let’s say 7 and 11 (honestly can’t remember) 2 of whose parents I knew from church. My friend had also obviously woken up as she came up behind me while I was still trying to work out details of the children’s visit. Well my friend took over while I tried to reconfirm the identity of the children. From my friend’s conversation with the children, I realized their visit was the ‘let’s just drop by’ and see what we can get’ kind and I think I scolded them, telling them children should not just drop by in people’s houses except their parents knew about it, and that besides, they had disturbed their hostess.
Well my friend gave them some water to drink and they soon left (I suspect my disapproving comment scared them a bit). After they left I asked my friend who the boy was, and wondered if their parents knew that they do such things, pointing out that they shouldn’t be encouraged, to do so, especially at that age as it could expose them to all sorts of danger. Her response was that the parents probably didn’t know, she commented that they didn’t get what they wanted this time. On further prodding, she went into details. The children probably expected to be fed. The boy was probably not as young as I thought. He might be suffering from stunted growth. His mother has 6 children!! What??!! I screamed. In this day and age??? That certainly caught my interest and I wanted to know more.
On further prodding, my friend told me that over the 2 years that this family migrated to Cotonou and joined the English/Nigerian church workers, she has had to assist them in different ways but the situation has never improved. On asking how and why they migrated to a country that was smaller and less prosperous than Nigeria, my friend explained that according to the couple, they were both teaching in a primary school in Badagry (a border town on the Nigerian side) when the wife was offered a teaching job in Cotonou. They were promised accommodation. And the ENTIRE family of 7 at the time, husband included, moved to Cotonou (less than 2 hours drive from where they were before) without first checking out the reality of the offer. Well, on arrival, it turns out that the accommodation promised was the school premises – and not with furniture or anything – just a classroom. And they ALL stayed!!!! In spite of what they arrived to meet.
Regardless of this situation, this close to or over 50 sister got pregnant again with the 6th child making it a family of 8 now!!! Then 6 months later, the proprietor of the school sent them packing. And I can’t remember if the sack came at the same time of shortly after! And they still stayed in Cotonou! They apparently tried their hands at many things but, surprise, surprise!, could not make end meet. And things got so bad that not so long ago, the sister too had dropped in unexpectedly on my friend, all stressed out, to inform her that the children had not eaten for 2 days!!! And of course she had to step in…
Well I got annoyed with my friend at this point, insisting that such a case should have been taken to a higher level of church leadership, since I know that most of the other district church members were also struggling. She was adamant that the higher church authorities would not do anything about it and I insisted that she should have anyway, and that she would never know what could be done until she informed them. And that even if they did nothing, at least they could advice or find out more details about why the couple would burn their bridges back to Nigeria so completely, and still stay put in Cotonou in spite of the appalling challenges they were facing. And that at worst, it would be on record that the family existed. Noting her resistance to this, I even went as far as to tell her to stop playing God, because she was obviously was the only one assisting this family, and even her husband was not pleased with the level of dependence, and that furthermore, it was obvious she could never satisfy the needs of a family of 8!
I believe she started seeing reason, when I pointed out a few possible reasons for this situation, confirming that indeed they had never sat the couple down to talk to them and find out details. Then I got furious with the mother of the family who seemed to me to be the only one who could have prevented the situation, the only one seemed to be supporting the family financially, and again the only one running around to seek a solution. Somehow the husband was a hidden figure in all this situation although his ‘contributions’ to the 6 children’s existence is certainly not in doubt. For all these reasons, I fell so angry with the sister and feel no sign of sympathy whatsoever.
So, sisters, am I wicked for feeling this way? And if you were faced with this kind of situation, how would you step in?
- THE CASE OF THE GENERATIONAL SISTERS
This case, I am very close to. I love sister L. Have known her for the past 20 years or so. She was about at most 25 years old when I first met her and what drew me to her was hardworking, cheerful, helpful and had a zealous disposition towards the things of God. At the time I met her could not write but could read 1 or 2 the local languages (not with ease, I think) and could speak some form of English, Yoruba, Fon and possibly French, being Beninese and having spent some years in Ogun State, Nigeria. I think another reason we got close was because of the Nigerian connection.
One of the first things she told me about herself was that: 1. Only her brothers (also members of the church) were educated because her father did not believe in educating girls; 2. Her mother could read but never taught her daughters which made me mad, and 3. Shortly after she got born again, she had persuaded one of her sisters who got pregnant out of wedlock not to abort her child, by promising to take care of the child herself. She was obviously taken up on the offer as when I first met her she was already caring for a 6 year old (or younger – I forget) niece, who almost did not know her biological mother.
I was fascinated (?), impressed (?) by such commitment, but with some misgivings, first because no mention of was made of bringing the sister to the Lord, and secondly because this was a semi-skilled sister who had no ready/steady source of income. I was also somewhat irritated by the biological mother who had so comfortably dumped on her big sister and remained in the village, got married, and started having other babies. However, sister L did not seem to have any regrets about her decision, and seemed to be surviving quite well so as we say in Naija ‘what was my own.’…
Well we as we got closer, I encouraged sister L to get some skill and register for adult literacy. I also offered her odd jobs from time to time. She was doing very well when she received a marriage proposal, got married, and within 2 years had come out of the disaster of a marriage, which was only formally dissolved by the church about 7 years later. (And I chose the word disaster very carefully but won’t bother to go into details as it has little to do with the issue at hand). Anyway, her fortunes nose-dived during this period, as her husband seized her property as he was not done with the marriage. Also, the expatriates she had a cushy job with, left the country. They in fact considered taking her back with them but didn’t follow through.
I tried my best to boost her morale at this time but one condition she gave me for the job I offered her (she could not live without the 2 girls!!!), was annoying to me that I terminated the employment although after cooling down, I eventually managed to get a part-time job offering steady income which she is still doing today.
Meanwhile, I had come to notice something I considered strange about sister L’s uncanny attachment to her biological family. I got the impression that she would give her life to come to the aid of any one of them. But I saw no such charity demonstrated by her towards any member of the church. No, not even myself, although most members of the church tell me to my face that she was my favourite. I would talk to her about this, reminding her that Jesus had already died for all and someone who could not swim cannot save a drowning person and she should learn toswil first.
But what irritated me most was that the family did not hesitate to exploit this although showed not reciprocity whatsoever. You have already heard of the sister who dumped her daughter on her without looking back. But here’s more (and I had left Cotonou for about 8 years when thee occurred) : 1. When she bought a motorcycle, her brother promised to teach her and months went by without his lifting a finger to do so. To the contrary, he would borrow and predict doom about the vehicle. Well, having experienced something very similar, I told her the facts of life, urging her to put on pants beneath her wrapper, roll her motorcycle to a relatively quiet area, and prepare to fall and get up until she could ride the thing. That was how she learnt to ride her motorcycle, to the shock, according to her, of her brother. 2. About the same period, she developed fibroids and it got pretty bad. Initially she was afraid of surgery and saw death in every corner. But with exhortation and counsel over a period of about 2 years, she was finally ready to face the knife. During all this period, no member of her family came to her aid and I had to step in.
A couple of years later, was I furious to receive a call from her, asking in panic for loan of a large amount of money (that I was sure she could not afford), to pay the debt of a well 25+ nephew (son of her oldest brother who is also a member of the same denomination and has lived in Nigeria for about 30 years) whom she had not seen for at least 15 years, who was being threatened with death in Nigeria! I was so annoyed and warned her never to try that with me again.
I eventually got to see her and all my suspicions about the dubious nature of the business and moral character of the nephew (a youth leader in the same denomination!!) were confirmed, and she understood my reaction. I warned her again about what I see as bondage to her family or familiar spirit). Meanwhile, she had gotten herself into another debt. Since then, money had been sent but her brother had paid off his debt with all of it. She is yet to pay off hers.
But the story does not end there. Now her niece, whom she had tried to train up to university level but could not make it, and who was still living under her roof and barely making a living, had brought with her to the city, one of her ‘sisters’!!! – the daughter of a mother she hardly knew, to add to the ‘family.’ This makes me wonder again. Has my singleness robbed me of all ‘family feeling’ or do you agree with me that there must be something spiritually askew with Christian women who have such unhealthy attachment to their biological family?
- THE CASE OF THE MISSING MAMA
Last but not the least, this is the case of a mother who had experimented a lot of things and ‘seen life’ before she collided with the spiritual. I put it this way for good reasons as you will soon hear. At some point in her ‘highlife’, she had a very close friend who became very ill. Among many other accounts of family sacrifices, and other strange goings on, rushing left and right to seek healing, she and her friend finally landed in a ‘Fire mountain’ church. I was not born again when B shared this account with me and, but being one of the few ‘straight from the horse’s mouth’ account I have heard of things like this, it has ever since made me wonder…
Apparently, the church organized a deliverance session for the close friend and Sister B was in attendance. She watched with her ‘korokoro eyes’ as we say here, as her friend became AND heard as she confessed to being a princess a kingdom under the sea, etc. To cut a long story short, at some point after the friend died, B had a baby for a rich yahoo papa with 7 wives (not joking although I really can’t recall if she was the 7th wife) who already had dozens, if not more children. Then at some point she ‘gave her life to Christ’ and left the man with what was left of the pot of honey to start afresh.
And B became a cheerful, very church-involved, but somewhat (to my mind) frivolous Christian. The ‘pot of honey’ soon frittered away as B was not one to economize. However, she had great ideas and I know that quite a few of us tried to back her ideas with prayers and financially but to continuously disastrous results.
Anyway, at some point when her son was about 4 years old, Sister B reached an agreement with 2 of her sisters, got her in-law to sponsor her ticket to the UK, where she was to ‘fa gburu’ (work) and return every 6 months with goods to sell in her sister’s shop. Her son was to stay with the sister who had 3 daughters of similar age. Well, it would seem that within 2 weeks of reaching London, Sister B had decided to stay put by crook and so informed the sister and her husband. Naturally, things fell apart at such a ‘breach of contract’ and it was only then the likes of me even heard of the original ‘plan’.
Things got worse still as Sis B never sent any money home, nor made any attempts to arrange school fees for her son who was attending the same expensive school as her sister’s children. As the years went by, her sister got tired of having to run after the father for school fees and like joke, like joke dumped the child with the 419 father, who dumped him with one of his many wives.
That was almost 20 years ago. The son should now be in his mid 20’s, has been passed around from place to place over the years, dropped out of school, has never seen the mum since he was 4 although makes requests/demands over phone, whenever he catches up with her phone number, and is currently at large, possibly living the kind of life his father lived unsuccessfully. And yet, we see Sister B’s beautiful pictures on Facebook, hear of marriages or plans of marriage, true or false, seemingly surrounded by a church family in London who call her ‘Sister’. And I get furious each time I remember her in prayer – and only manage a prayer of mercy as I consider her the most unnatural, selfish and irresponsible mother that ever lived, and find it difficult to believe sister B is in the Lord.
So once again, please tell me, am I too hard? Is there something I am missing?
Sorry for being so long. That was not the plan. But I felt it was only fair to give you as much background information as possible. Take your time.
Your take will be appreciated on the 4 cases.
Looking forward
Kofo
