This leads me to another ‘mother-daughter’ relationship. Somewhat similar to the previous one in terms of age, although much closer and for much longer. This scenario unfolded in the form of a series of long-drawn conversations that had almost tired me out until we were sharing the most awesome experiences of our lives.
This ‘mama’ was clearly working on control — mine or hers, I still cannot tell. I suspect this might be because she was a bit wary of my down-to-earth and forthright personality which, perhaps in her view, was unbecoming of a middle-aged Christian woman.
I got the impression that my genuinely innocent request for her take and suggestions about an aspect of Christian ministry I am particularly interested in, flustered her a bit and brought out the better — rather than the best — in her.
By the way, this kind of reaction frequently occurs in my relationships. I wonder if the problem is me or them, and what could be the cause. I ask a genuinely innocent question or make a genuinely harmless comment and they become excessively apologetic, going on and on trying to explain things that I cannot relate with the topic. Otherwise they get very defensive and aggressive while I look on wondering what was going on. And my efforts to try to relax the intensity hardly ever achieves its purpose no matter how tactfully and sincerely I try to reassure them!
So what do you think? Have you ever had such experiences? Is it me? Or is it them? Come to think of it, I wonder if I too sometimes react that way? Is there anything like an over-sensitive conscience, do you suppose? I really would like to share such experiences, although judging by this experience, I tremble at the thought of just how far from the point it can take me!
You see, the ending of this experience upset me even more than the previous one, in spite of the fact that I clearly recognized it was the result of a chink in her armour and probably not deliberate. You see, she unconsciously said aloud, what she had probably been thinking about for a while, just at the wrong moment. And the point is that it was not explicitly uncomplimentary. What really hurt was that after such a long and close relationship, she needed all the jaw-jaw to get to finally get the drift.
But then I guess I am a very sensitive person. I know it, and I am working on it. Actually I think we are both very sensitive people because what escalated to this long and weary sharing was probably because, as I suspect, she felt I might think less of her for not being able to contribute to the subject matter… Which was far from the truth… I think.
Anyway, I started it I guess. Because you see, I assumed too much in thinking that, with her ‘geographical and ministerial exposure’, she would have a vantage view of the topic and could shed share some light and ideas on it. It turned out that I assumed much too much and she felt I needed to understand her limitations as my reassurances that it did not matter did not satisfy her.
She kept bringing it up again and again over days until at some point, she offered to share more of her life story. My ears pricked up at that! According to her, this would explain better why she was unable to contribute to the topic. And as you may imagine, my immediate reaction was Yay! I do so love a true life story!
What I didn’t plan for however, was that her story would spread over days, and not consecutive days either, and still leave me unsatisfied with the ‘edited version’ I ended up with. To cut a long story short, after sharing her testimony with me and even obliging me with a special session to answer my prodding questions, some of which I had heard before, she smoothly requested to share mine.
In retrospect, I believe she put a lot of thought into feeding me with just that limited edition, her main objective being to prep me up for sharing mine.
Hey! If that was it, you have to give it to her — her approach was masterful, especially because I did not spot it until much, much later. What she might not have known though, was that I am always happy to oblige on that score — even unsolicited!
So, while I was very excited to do so, I was somewhat reticent about showing it. I mastered my eagerness (hey, you have to give it to me too!) until she pushed for it. See how organized we were? Nothing spontaneous about these series of conversations.
In sharing mine, a niggling feeling tells me that I wanted to shock her out of what I considered to be her complacent spiritual comfort zone. So mine was going to be a no-holds barred session. And it was!
From the questions she asked, I knew I was achieving my objective, and stretched it out with glee! I got pretty much my own share of shock and confusion at the end though, because at the end of it all, she started weeping… No doubt from joy! The same joy I felt whenever I have the opportunity to share my conversion testimony. But while I was still ruminating on this strange reaction, came the comment that almost spoilt it all for me.
It went something like this: Enh, hen! I always sensed it was there all the time. Only people who knew you before would really appreciate just how much God has worked on that part of you. I have been concerned that all these things you have been doing in your ministry might be in vain!’
Who does that, right? That really upset me because I have never felt any special need to hear the testimony of people I get close to in the church community, close being the key word. I just know. Does that make sense?
Mind you, not that I don’t sometimes have doubts or concerns. But when I do, I address it directly through discussions, probing questions, corrections and advice as opportunity provides. When left uncertain after all this, I distance myself from them discretely, depending on how fundamental the issue of concern is to me. And I feel comfortable taking that step, knowing that they probably know why I am doing so.
I guess I again assumed too much in expecting a similar approach from a generic ‘mother-in-Israel’ who might not feel she had such options. Whatever the case, I felt betrayed that she had drawn me close for so long without addressing her concern. And ended up manipulating me because she did not have the courage to do so in a more straightforward manner. Does that make sense? I can’t explain it any other way.
But in addition to the pleasure I derived from sharing my testimony, there’s another up-side to the otherwise wearisome experience. You see, like the previous one, it made me reflect… and examine myself.
Dear Daughter, it took me a while to get over it. But get over it I did. I cannot state categorically that my recall of events are not somewhat skewed in my favour, but I tell you the truth as I am able to. I lie not. So help me God.
And did I already mention that I learnt a lot to the bargain? All things do work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose — people like me. Amen!
THERE’S MORE!!! BUT THAT WILL BE FOR ANOTHER DAY. SEE YOU NEXT TIME!